Dad, You would’ve been 73, today. It’s weird because I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel. There is a part of me that misses you and wishes you were still here, but I’m not sure if it’s bigger … Continue reading →
The past week has been one of the most difficult in my life, and that’s saying a lot since I’ve been a quadriplegic at one time. I’ve had depression since I was sexually assaulted at 13, but this week was … Continue reading →
IN HONOR OF LITTLE’S PRIDE DAY: I identify as a babygirl (and for the sake of this post the term babygirl is used to describe all littles, it’s easier for me because it’s what I am), some people consider this … Continue reading →
“Well, the members of the club I belong to have been talking about doing some kind of charity event.” “The club you belong to? As in the sex club you belong to?” “Jules, it’s a BDSM club not a sex … Continue reading →
In American Culture its commonplace for someone to promise they “won’t tell a soul”, after hearing another person’s secret. This phrase is often uttered when the secret is negative. In cases of child abuse, these words may not be uttered, … Continue reading →
Going to Wal-Mart is not a trip that usually ends in tears, unless it’s Black Friday–then all bets are off.
I live in a town where I am one of a handful of people with an awesome natural tan. Honestly, there are times when I’ve thought I must have a label saying Ebola, and that’s why people stared at me so much. I normally feel really self conscious, especially when I’m using an electric cart.
I’d made it through the trip virtually unscathed, and made me way to the checkout lane. I freak out every time I get to the cashier, and normally say something along the lines of: please, please let me have enough. I could have a billion dollars and I’d still go through this routine.
Unfortunately, when I was getting everything ready to pay for everything when I realized my bank card in my purse. Then I remembered that my friend had used it at the gas station, so I asked her for it. The thing that annoyed the fuck out of me, was her trying to push it off on me. I basically have a photographic memory and I literally described everything that occurred with regards to my car.
I was freaked out, and trying to figure out what to keep. I thought I might have enough cash to cover it. I was waiting to see if my friend was going to volunteer to go get my card from her house. NOPE, nada, zip, zilch….at this point I was started to get a little upset.
Then one of the most humbling events in my life occurred: the woman behind me told the cashier not to put anything back, that she would cover what I didn’t have. I literally burst into tears, and began to thank her profusely.
You know my darkest desires and deepest cravings Your fingers are like a device set to gauge the truth Do you feel my wetness, hear the sharp intake of my breath You are the only one that can fill my … Continue reading →
March is Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Month MS is a disease that doesn’t discriminate, it effects people of all nationalities and ethnicities worldwide. It’s unpredictable and often there is no warning when an exacerbation is about to occur. A person can … Continue reading →
Nearly everyone with ADHD answers an emphatic yes to the question: “Have you always been more sensitive than others to rejection, teasing, criticism, or your own perception that you have failed or fallen short?” This is the definition of a condition called rejection-sensitive dysphoria. When I ask ADHDers to elaborate on it, they say: “I’m always tense. I can never relax. I can’t just sit there and watch a TV program with the rest of the family. I can’t turn my brain and body off to go to sleep at night. Because I’m sensitive to my perception that other people disapprove of me, I am fearful in personal interactions.” They are describing the inner experience of being hyperactive or hyper-aroused. Remember that most kids after age 14 don’t show much overt hyperactivity, but it’s still present internally, if you ask them about it.
The emotional response to the perception of failure is catastrophic for those with the condition. The term “dysphoria” means “difficult to bear,” and most people with ADHD report that they “can hardly stand it.” They are not wimps; disapproval hurts them much more than it hurts neurotypical people.
If emotional pain is internalized, a person may experience depression and loss of self-esteem in the short term. If emotions are externalized, pain can be expressed as rage at the person or situation that wounded them.
In the long term, there are two personality outcomes. The person with ADHD becomes a people pleaser, always making sure that friends, acquaintances, and family approve of him. After years of constant vigilance, the ADHD person becomes a chameleon who has lost track of what she wants for her own life. Others find that the pain of failure is so bad that they refuse to try anything unless they are assured of a quick, easy, and complete success. Taking a chance is too big an emotional risk. Their lives remain stunted and limited.
For many years, rejection-sensitive dysphoria has been the hallmark of what has been called atypical depression. The reason that it was not called “typical” depression is that it is not depression at all but the ADHD nervous system’s instantaneous response to the trigger of rejection.