Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hinted at your kinks?
I think that this is the hardest question that I’ve had to answer so far, in my 30 Days of Kink series. It’s not because I’m having a difficult time remembering any early experiences that might have hinted at my future kinkiness. While I’ve made HUGE strides towards accepting my sexual desires and trying to reclaim and embrace my sexuality, I’d be lying if I said I’d overcome all the shame that I feel too.
****Takes Deep Breath****
I can remember finding an old copy of one my dad’s Playboy’s, and carefully studying the poses of the models that were pictured. I remember thinking that I had to learn how to copy those poses exactly, because I wanted to make sure that the boys I hung-out with liked them. I should’ve prefaced this by saying I was the biggest tomboy around, but I can still remember striking the naked poses for my friends. I didn’t know at the time that the behavior I was participating in was sexual, but I can still recall the pleasure I felt at making them happy….and I can remember the amazing things I felt when they touched me.
As a teenager, a friend and I had a mutual attraction to one another but we were so good of friends, we never wanted to take the chance of messing up our friendship. However, that didn’t stop us from frequently enjoying mutual masturbation sessions on the bus….and yes, it was a rush to know we were doing these things in public.
But, the biggest thing that I can think of as a sign that hinted at my kinkiness, was the fact that I used to write erotica. The stories didn’t include any instances where BDSM occurred, but at the time it wasn’t a common thing for 8th and 9th grade students to write erotic stories. Although, as I think about it I’m wondering if my stories weren’t another part of my sexually submissive nature. My friends would give me requests for subject matter, and while I obviously enjoyed writing the stories and the way I physically felt while writing them….that was nothing compared to the feelings I got when I saw the pleasure on the face of the person who requested the story.
I haven’t written any erotic material since before I realized/admitted to myself, that I was sexually submissive….but, I’m sure if someone requested one I would jump on it 😉