Inescapable that’s the word I’d used to describe…

Inescapable, that’s the word I’d used to describe the state of the funk that I’m in…but how else could I be expected to feel today, it does after all mark the yearly reminder of my introduction of the act of betrayal….it’s been 26 years, but I’m still unable to completely purge the evil that occurred that day…it’s as if you took a knife and began to carve into my flesh, you only scraped away the first layer of skin that night but the wound was big enough to become contaminated…the infection has continued to fester and eat away at my soul, leaving behind guilt, shame and self doubt…as I sit here clicking my fingernails against one another, I still wish that I knew what caused you to change that day…I’ve tried, but I can’t seem to push the events of that day completely from my mind…God, I wish I could feel the bite of a crop or flogger on my ass right now…the physical pain is what I need to create a crack in the armor of self protection that I’ve created, what I need in order for me to let the pain & sadness be released as tears