Stuck

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A wise man once said

Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds

&

The truth is everyone is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for

BOB MARLEY

I’ve been trying to free myself from my mental slavery for awhile; I can even say that I don’t hate you, too bad it didn’t happen while you were still here. I often think that I wish that I’d had the chance to say good-bye to you, but what would I have said? I’m sorry that you’re death is near, I love you….or would it be more along these lines: I’m sad that the end is near for you, I can’t begin to tell you the pain I have in my heart. But, I am angry as hell at you! Do you realize that I loved you more than anything else in this entire world? Perhaps, that’s the reason you were able to crush my soul; I spent more time with you than anyone else, so you knew how to make sure the pain stuck.
For the first few months after you died, I could only feel sadness for the loss of the man that everyone else knew. Now, now I can feel the anger and hurt for the monster you were as well. I’m angry that you turned me into the broken person that I am right now. I know this phase will pass, you know the phase when all of the horrible things you ever did or said get stuck on repeat. I can clearly hear the bass of your voice when you said that maybe you should kill me and then kill yourself. Who does that? Who says that fucking kind of thing to their own child? Maybe I could’ve forgiven you if you only said that one time, if I only thought you were going to take my life once. But, I can’t begin to count the number of times you said or did these kind of things to me. Here’s my question for you: Why didn’t you go ahead and kill me?
You never physically killed me, but each time one these things happened it killed apart of my soul and destroyed my self-esteem. Do you know that when something goes wrong, it’s never just that one thing for me. I hear you say I’m worthless and no one would want me, I hear you when you’re saying you should kill me…or, my heart’s racing and I have a feeling like the closed door is going to be busted open (you did do that, so I guess that’s founded). The only time I remember a dream, is when I’m dreaming you’re trying to kill me. For months I’d been stuck, stuck in the stage where I just felt sadness for your loss.
To the depth of my being, I don’t think you intended to fuck me up like you did. Constantly trying to find someone that I can please, because I could never please either of you. Hell, I even tried to make sure that you were taken care of after your strokes, when you caught your house on fire, and through all of your heart problems. You didn’t deserve my kindness, or my love. I stupidly gave them to you anyway.
I obviously haven’t mastered the second quote; I care about almost everyone. I’ve always treated other’s the way that I want to be treated, sadly it is rarely reciprocated. I’ve been told that I see thing as either black or white, with no grey in the middle. I’m not sure that’s the best description; I think I start out trying to trust people, but eventually realize the truth.
Even with YOU,I can’t be mad. It’s not like you lied to me and told me that you cared about me. It is simply the fault of my tainted mind; I erroneously tend to believe that it’s possible for me to make someone care about or find value in me. I want trust people too easily; I want someone to want to protect and care for me. So today, I am determined to find a way to bring this pain to the surface whenever I meet someone. Maybe I can find a way to cause some kind of electrical shock/or other instant form of pain to be triggered, whenever I start to think I can trust someone. I’ve heard it said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result; I’m going to change things up, maybe I can create a mantra to repeat throughout the day: trust & care for no one, after all it’s what they would do for you 🙂 !

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6 comments

  1. “trust & care for no one, after all it’s what they would do for you!”

    That, my dear, would be an even bigger mistake… unless being forever sad, lonely, and unloved is something you find appealing – and I don’t believe this is true about you.

    Another forty cents worth for your consideration…

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    • It’s much safer that way, and in the end I get hurt any way….why not beat them to the punch, lol…obviously, my plan to do this would be unsuccessful…if I came back to care for someone that I literally had to hold me breath on order to convince them I’m dead, it’s probably going to harder to be mean to someone who hasn’t hurt me…I’m just hurt, it’ll go away eventually

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      • No, it really isn’t; you actually do yourself more harm than good because once you do this, you become inaccessible to a great many people. The trick – and it’s a hard one for everyone to pull off – is to lessen the number of times you do get hurt. You get caught in a quandary of sorts; if you care, you’ll get hurt… but if you don’t care, you’ll feel empty or will become someone you’re really not and that, too, will hurt. We all try not to get hurt – but we do; the other trick that some of us don’t quite manage to pull off is not letting that past hurt get in the way of our future lives.

        Like I told my baby, if I let the hurt I’ve suffered so far in my life bother me, I would never have shit to do with women ever again and as much as some of it really – really – hurt, well, I love women and, yep, I got this habit of caring about and for them, sorry. You take your lumps, learn from it, move forward positively and not allow yourself to dwell on what was because it’ll take you down PDQ – but I think you know this already, huh?

        “Do unto others before they do undo you” just makes a person so undesirable, not to mention somewhat paranoid; doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to love and care about…

        And, thank you for allowing me to speak about this. I don’t completely understand the source and nature of your pain (none of my business) but, well, damn it, I just can’t stand to see women get buried by stuff like this when they don’t have to stay buried.

        Sue me.

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  2. There are several sources of pain; in all actuality, this is me venting…if I vent then the pain, sadness and anger are able to be released from my heart. Unfortunately, when I’m feeling pain past transgressions often come to the surface as well. It is something that I am actively working on, some of the things that have caused pain I’m just beginning to understand. Over the past two years, some very hurtful things have been done & said; I thought I could get past some of them, but as of yet that hasn’t happened. My therapist has said a number of times that she is amazed that I’m such a loving and caring person, because I never had an example of these things. I am feeling things, and that is progress. That is something I can offer to other’s; you can choose to experience the pain when the event occurs or yo can try to ignore it and keep going (which is what I did), but eventually you’ll feel the pain. It’s better to get help sooner rather than later. I’m working on my memoir for a writing class, and with my father’s death occuring less than a year ago, I would say that I am still well within the normal limits of the grieving process.

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