Decisions, Decisions

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It’s been an interesting week to say the least; the truth is out and now it’s decision making time, except I’m not really sure what choice I should make. My husband asked me what kind of marriage did I want, I said open. I love my husband but I’m not “in love” with him right now; we’ve both changed over the last 18 yrs, in someways I think we changed roles.
When we met I was 18, and had discovered I was pregnant a few weeks earlier. We actually became friends in the first place because I would talk to him while I would wait for my fiancé at his dorm. The more we talked the more I found him attractive, but nothing happened until after I broke up with my daughter’s father. In someways he was my knight in shining armor; when my mom went to the other side of the country in order to leave my dad, I was left with no family and a two month
old. He was my rock. When I was totally freaked out and stressed, his family watched my daughter so I could have a few days to try and wrap my head around things.
He saw me at my worst, but he still loved me. God knows I tested him more than any person should ever be tested; I had to know that he wouldn’t beat me or my child, I wasn’t going to repeat my childhood. I can say with complete honesty that he has never physical hurt me, or any of the children.
Unfortunately, somewhere along the way my needs changed and I discovered I would actually like someone to hurt me in a BDSM way. I can’t say if this is just a phase and next week I’ll want something different. Although, it’s been my desire for over a year & a half….way before the Fifty Shades of Grey craze. It is also all but impossible for me to respond to him as a Dom; I’ve tried and it just doesn’t work.
One of the reasons I love him, is because he truly knows my (which also makes it easier for him to hurt me). While we were laying on the bed talking about things, and he was trying to get me to stop crying he said something that I’ve thought from time to time.
You know, you were jerked out of high school before your class even graduated. Then you were thrust into college & you got pregnant. If you think about it there are a lot of things you never got to experience. Then he said that maybe I needed some space so that I could experience those things.
I’ve been living under the cloud of all types of abuse until last year, when I decided it was time for me to heal. Maybe, all of these changes have occurred within me because I’m finally strong enough to shovel through the crap. In my everyday lives I’m am strong and always fighting to keep moving towards the goal. However when it comes to things of a sexual nature, I find it more gratifying and freeing when I am being submissive.
I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to understand and learn about my true submissive nature; hell, to be honest I’m not even sure what all turns me on or what all is out there. Through my “mentoring”, I’ve discovered that I apparently like a little shame, humiliation & guilt. I’m also learning that you can like things in varying degrees. I also have a Domme side, but generally is only arousing to me in terms of being with another woman. I already knew I loved orgasm control and have been exploring this aspect as well.
I’ve also learned some things about my sexual preferences that I am not altogether comfortable with, and have had ideas, vids or discussions that have triggered negative reactions. These negative reactions correlate to things that I’ve recently identified in therapy.
It’s nice to have someone who will push me when I try and change the subject because I’m uncomfortable. It’s not such a great feeling when I upset the person that I’m working with,I’ve always hated disappointing people so maybe thats the submissive in me.
This journey is nowhere near complete, and I know that it’s going to have some really rough parts (like trying to figure out what type of marriage I’m going to be in), but I’m also going to learn who I really am, what I do and don’t like, and hopefully get to a point where I’m comfortable with the fact that I really like, love sex.

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5 comments

  1. Not liking to disappoint people is compassion, which has little to do with being submissive – you just wanna be there for people when they need you. I guess I’d have to say that every sexual orientation has some things that just ain’t for everyone; it is important to identify these things, maybe give some thought about why certain things aren’t your cup of tea then, if possible, do the things you love to do while avoiding the things you’re not fond of like it’s the plague. That’s kinda the easy part; the hard part is making yourself come to terms with your discomfort with sex and then ask yourself a really important question: Do those things really, really make sense? Then, of course, if you find that they don’t, then it’s all about change and, unless I miss my guess here, practically reinventing the sexual you along those lines so that being able to indulge in your sexual vice of choice isn’t going to weird you out and shove you back into a bad place that you clearly don’t want to be in.

    If I may, what did your husband say in response to your answer?

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      • I’ll be the first one (I hope) to point out to you that in open marriages, the door swings both ways. A lot of people who look at this solution don’t always look at it from their point of view AND their partner’s possible point of view, like, it might work for you and what you have to do, be a disaster waiting to happen for the other half.

        If someone asked me if I thought they should have an open marriage, my first recommendation would be not to do it because it’s something that always sounds good on paper… but practical application turns out to be their worst nightmare.

        Because if it’s not going to lead to a solution that’ll make both of you happy – and happier with each other – it’s not a good thing to do.

        Of course, being in your situation kinda throws a wrench into things because you need things that he cannot provide… and you ain’t too crazy about him right about now. Going open, again, seems to be the best option (since divorce or just leaving is an issue) but, yeah, this is something you REALLY need to think about before you push hard for it to happen.

        I spent a great many of my married years in an open (and polyamorous) relationship so, yeah, I know a little something about this…

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  2. Have you read the book ‘The Ethical Slut’? It might be a good read for both you and yours, especially since he seems willing to keep an open mind. Good wishes and vibes your way…

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    • I’ve read it along with Opening Up, which he also read. I plan to read them again over the next week.
      @kdaddy23–I’ve tried to think about things from his perspective, I truly don’t want to hurt him or make him unhappy. I said that to him, and he said seeing how I feel right now hurts him as well. In someways, I don’t think it’s possible to be EVERYTHING to someone; he doesn’t do things with friends, although he’ll go to things for my friends when I’m not feeling up to it. He’s under so much stress & so depressed, I can’t help him I know I’ve tried. I’ve been trying to get him to go see a counselor since before I got to the point where I sought out someone else; my friend even watched my kids overnight in order to try and give us time to reconnect (that was in 2008).
      It’s hard to ALWAYS be there for someone when they are never there for you, or when they are they cause you more pain. I deserve to have someone that I can confide in & share joy with; last year we came to an agreement that allowed me to have a Dom online, and I was a better wife to my husband. Because I had someone that I could talk to that listened and cared what I had to say, I could deal with not getting that from him.
      I understand there can be problems with open relationships, my childhood best friend is in one (they are in a relationship with another couple, in a partner exchange). The wife & her husband have a child together because of birth control issues. I was there and tried to help when the kids were told what was going on; it was really hard for their teenage son to learn that his parents are in a relationship with his best friend’s parents. I’ve tried to take all of these things into consideration.

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