A Message to My Father 

Dad

 You would’ve been 73, today. It’s weird because I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to feel. There is a part of me that misses you and wishes you were still here, but I’m not sure if it’s bigger than the part that knows I wouldn’t want to be around you, if you were. It’s hard to see comments from people about what a good man you were, because I also knew the monster that you hid from the public. There are times when I feel like my whole life has been a lie, that I’ve always had to act according to the role I was supposed to play. I won’t lie, there are times when what I feel towards you is much closer to hate, than to love. In someways, I wish I’d never had those first 11 years that you were a good father. I remember all the times I’d hoped he’d return, but knew the monster was there instead….I do miss you, not the you that died four years ago, but the you that died when I was a little girl…I miss the you that showed me how great it could feel to be loved, not the you that taught me fear, anger and pain. Deep down I forgive you. I know that you had to be in a bad place to destroy the bond we had, but it doesn’t really take the pain away. So for your birthday, I hope that you’ve found the peace you weren’t able to find while you were here…and…I do love you

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