This past year has been such an amazing journey. I still find it hard to believe that I’ve been through all the things I have. This time last year, I was excited about an upcoming move to Arizona. My life had become a matter of existence, there was absolutely no living being done. I knew I had to make a change when I started to worry I would kill myself.
Having lost a friend to suicide the previous summer, I knew that I didn’t want to cause anyone else the type of pain I was experiencing everyday. I was desperate. I was basically a prisoner in my own home. I had began to rely on my children’s assistance with the daily activities of life. I wasn’t able to be a teenager when I was growing up; I couldn’t have that cycle repeat itself.
So, I sold all my worldly possessions and attempted the move to Arizona. If I said the experience was horrible, that would be too forgiving of the actual things I experienced. I was so desperate to change my situation that I didn’t go into things with my eyes wide open. I believed the promises of how things would be different; I was going to have friends surrounding me with love.
I was shown how much I was loved via this experience, but not in the ways I had imagined. I was shown love by my best friend. Although, she was in California, she helped arrange my trip home. She reached out to people she didn’t even know and explained what had happen. Then a couple I had dated for a good part of last year invited me into their home. The first words they told me was that they loved me and to just come home. I set out on Amtrak from Arizona to Indiana. Oh my gosh, that is the longest trip that I’ve ever made straight through. It was the first time i would be using my power wheelchair in public and I was nervous as hell.
As crazy as it sounds, I was so happy to wrap my arms around my husband (we’d filed the papers but the divorce had gone through yet) at Union Station. I was even happy when we pulled up at his girlfriend’s house and my girls climbed in the car. They’d been at a marching band competition and my ex couldn’t be in two places at once. I crawled into my middle daughter’s bed and slept until mid morning. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon with my girls.
When the couple I’d dated arrived I was so happy to see them. I guess I did realize how much I needed to be in an environment of love. It was great; I instantly became a member of their family. I had met their kids and grandkids on my previous visits, but that wasn’t the same as my constant presence. Their kids knew I was their lover, but it wasn’t something that was discussed. I went to family celebrations, family meals, holiday parties.
Unfortunately, I attended another family event. My best male friend (the husband) passed away 24 days after I got the keys to my new apartment. I’d made him that hat he’d wanted for his birthday. I was supposed to see him the next day so I could get an exist fit on his head. Instead, I ran from my neighbor’s kitchen and held my former lover. I tried to provide her with support and love. I kept telling her that he was going to be okay. However, I knew he wouldn’t be once I saw them loading him into the ambulance. I wish I’d closed my eyes, looked the other way, done anything to avoid the sight of him. I will never get the grey/ yellowish image of his face out of my memory.
Recently, I have found a Daddy Dom. He’s my Papa Dragon and I am His kitten. He makes me feel safe in a way I’ve not experienced in a long time. He provides me with encouragement and support. He goes out of His way to make sure I know that He cares about me. In the morning, I wake up to a message wishing my a good day. Every night He tucks me in, and I curl up with Him under a pile of duvets. Today, He sent me a song with bagpipes. It’s one of the sweetest things anyone’s done for me in a long time.